October 30, 2009
I’m sure you’ve Gathered I’m a Genius
Well, I’m sure you’ve gathered that I am a genius. And along these lines, I present you with the first of many oh-so-hilarious t shirts of my design for your fabulous enjoyment.
You know it is
October 28, 2009
Slutty What Now?
I’ve figured it out. Your secret is no longer safe, at least with me. Halloween, you’ve been busted.
For decades, Halloween has been a wholesome, jolly occasion to dress up and have wholesome, jolly fun. But not really. If you look at the holiday a little closer, Halloween is really a wholesome, jolly occasion to dress up as slutty as possible. After all, it’s all justifiable with a little “Trick or Treat!”
Basically, all Halloween costumes are ordinary characters with the word “slutty” put in front of it. Yeah, we all know zombies don’t wear mini skirts.
Take the slutty nurse costume. Nurses poke and prod you in unmentionable places. They are not fun. And how many scantily clad nurses are there in real life? How many on October 31st? See, just add the prefix “slutty” to any character and woh-oh-OH do we have a killer costume. And so, the slutty nurse, the slutty vampire, the slutty secretary, and so many more have been born.
So here is a list of other jobs that should be added to the Halloween repetoire of sluttiness — costumes that will be magnificently transformed by your willingness to skank it up!
Slutty Walmart Greeter
Slutty Mail Room Worker
Slutty DMV Worker
Slutty Cafeteria Lady
Slutty Telemarketer
I can feel the Halloween magic already!!!
You’re putting that WHERE?
October 26, 2009
Super Powers
While wandering, lost, around china town most recently, i started to think of what super powers i would have if i could. Here are a few:
1. I would have a built in GPS system in my head that would come out every time I said Go-Go-Gadget-GPS and zoom down in front of my eyes. That way, I WOULDN’T GET LOST IN CHINA TOWN
2. I would be able to harness static-electricity and shock people I don’t like from afar. Then they’d be looking around going “whazzat? ouch! who did that? ouch! what the..where…OUCH!” It’d be great and I would be the most vengeful and deviosityous person ever!!!
3. I would have the ability to make up new words
4. I would be able to breath fire, and therefore expedite the making of s’mores
5. I would say I would fly, but I already own a motorcycle, so…
6. I would have the ability to convince Hawai’ian people that 50cc motorized vehicles are called scooters, and not mopeds. This is not a cultural thing like slippers, it is a technical definition learn to love it
7. I would be able to bring truth to the time honored saying “straight like spaghetti….”
8. I would be able to read people’s minds
9. I would turn water into martinelli’s apple juice
10. I would be able to tackle people so hard they started crying…oh wait…
11. I would make taxis, busses, and friends appear out of thin air. I hate waiting.
12. I would have SOME kind of Radar, JewDar, GayDar, Didn’t-Wash-HandsDar, ANYTHING instead of the NoDar that I have.
13. I would be able to fall asleep on cue when embarassed…oh…wait
14. I would be able to respond to anything you said with a bob dylan quote. MORE SO.
15. I would have the ability to make the little pockets of unmixed cheese powder in your mac-n-cheese DISAPPEAR
16. I would have, upon my Midas-like touch, the ability to make women not crazy. This would be the greatest super power there ever was and ever will be
17. I would have the ability to suddenly tongue tie a person making a fiery impassioned speech. Now that’s just funny.
18. If looks could kill. No seriously that would be cool.
19. Two words: spidy sense
I look like this. Only cooler.
October 24, 2009
Religious Freedom Explained (by me)
Freedom of Religion. It is one of the most important rights granted to the people of this country. Now, of course, we all know that when the Freedom of Religion clause was introduced, it wasn’t really Freedom of Religion but rather, Freedom from Religion — that religion being the Anglican church burgling all that Puritan swazy. But in a modern context, we use the term in its literal sense, the right to practice whatever religion you choose without persecution. SCORE!
But this is where things start to go wrong: Freedom of Religion is a passive right. A personal right. it is the right to do whatever gets your cross up, in your own space, on your own time.
But lately, many groups have begun to obfuscate Freedom of Religion into an active right. An outward, societal right — a right in which expressing freedom of religion extends to crafting society to fit that religion, or exercising it in a way that effects others. And when you effect others when expressing your religion, you have just stepped on their personal right to practice their religion (or lack there of).
Not giving out birth control because Jesus said no (or did he…)? Well distribution of birth control to soemone else doesn’t actually effect you
Protesting gay marriage because it doesn’t fit your definition of marriage? Well their definition of marriage doesn’t change yours. No one is preventing you from marrying Laura and making you marry Steve. Don’t make me follow your Adam and Steve bullshit
Not hiring a gay Boy Scout leader? Again, not you.
So stop forcing your religion on others and calling it freedom. Because remember, I have a freedom from your religion as much as you have a freedom to it.
Just don’t burgle my swazy
October 22, 2009
SkyMall
So flying from Oregon to Prov, I decided to read Sky Mall instead of something more enriching, like, say, a book.
I LOVE this magazine and its ridiculous products. They always evoke the best reactions out of me. Here are a few I share with you today as together we take a tour of the majesty of in-the-air shopping and my brain.
1. Vuzix iWear
“a wide-screen viewing experience you wear like regular eyeglasses”
This is purely for people who have fetishes for Cyclops from the X Men
2. The voice activated R2-D2.
“R2 can also replay sounds and dialog from Star Wars, answer yes-or-no questions, and dance while playing the famed Cantina music.” R2 is 15 inches tall.
No matter how much you like star wars, do not purchase this item. If you purchase this item, you are effectively ending any chance that anyone will ever sleep with you. If you purchase this item and I already am sleeping with you, this will stop. Acceptability of action figures ends at 5 inches and no sound. A girl needs standards.
3. The pet ramp staircase
“Unlike lesser pet staircases that are difficult to climb for arthritic older pets, this one converts to a ramp”
If your dog is so old and arthritic that they cannot even climb 3 stairs to get on your bed, it’s time for Fido to say goodbye to the world. Fido is hurting.
4. The world’s biggest crossworld puzzle.
“Holding a guinness record for its size, this crossword hangs on a full 7′ by 7′ of wall space”
Unless you have something else that holds a guinness record for how it hangs, or a whole lot of guinness, see #2.
5. Personal charging tray
“conceals 11 connectors and eliminates the need for bulky wall adapters”
You do not need to spend $129 on this. They are called rubber bands.
Use them, my child, and use them well.
6. Nuclear Globe
“Step into your private 6 foot inflatable sphere and spin your way across the water’
Remember that one time, when I dreamt I got turned into a hamster, stuck in a giant hamster ball of doom…
7. SteriPEN
“Risky water? Protect yourself with Steripen”
And the first sign of paranoia is…
8. Swirl Stool
“this stool is lovely to look at and tempting to touch; you’ll want to run your handa along its smooth curves”
I’ll run my hands along your smooth curves…
Baby curve for me!
October 9, 2009
The real annoyance here
So people are annoyed with Obama getting awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. I do have to agree. We usually don’t give it to people who have almost done cool stuff. This is not horseshoes.
But you know what really bothers me? All of the plays-on-words about Obama. Go-bama! Pro-bama! Dude shut up. His name starts with an “O.” We get it. But rather than fight the stream, I have decided to role with it. These are a few products that should be introduced into the market
Gro-Bama Chia Pet
Flo-Bama Tampons
Sno-Bama Sno Globes
Cheeri-O-bamas
Jacki-O-bama fashion wear
O-Bama O-J
The Big O Bama Vibrator
The only way to be a real American: own your Chia Obama today!
Just In a Day' s Work 